"Yes. No, Yes."

Finding out that the no had become a "yes", that I am in fact returning to New Zealand this August, was the strangest phenomenon. For a while I didn't know how I felt, honestly. I had spent a week and a half (what felt like an eternity) repeating over and over again to myself, "No. You didn't get the job. You're not going back. No." During that time my overall emotion wasn't sadness or anger, but mostly confusion. As early as February, when the sun still rose over snow-encrusted trees, I started getting this very strong sense that I was going back to New Zealand. I had the feeling that this was an open door God was encouraging me to not only pursue but get excited about, and have faith and trust that the answer for New Zealand was a "Yes."
And it wasn't just me. My family got that sense too, and some of my closest friends. It was more than just intuition. Sometimes this wave of affirmation, revelation almost, would come over me at the most random times. I would be sitting in my car, driving to Starbucks or one of my other favorite coffee-shop haunts, and all of the sudden would find myself saying, "Oh my gosh. I'm going back to New Zealand!" It felt like God was calling me to a level of faith I had never attempted to before. I was so used to saying, "if God wills," or just assume that I could not know anything in the future for certain. But for some reason this, this one thing, seemed to be affirmed over and over again as a "Yes."
Needless to say, my faith was a bit shaken when I heard the answer, "No." NO? No to this dream I've been dreaming, even though I felt too scared and excited to dream it? Did I not know what God's voice sounded like? Or worse, was he a liar? Or not all knowing, or all-powerful? Was this door really closed, this door that seemed wide open for so long, just to slam in my face? I still felt that I would return to New Zealand one day, but was so confused, having believed that that day would be sometime in August.
It was such a shock hearing the "no," that I'm not sure if the eventual "yes" ever sunk in. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm less excited now than I was three or four months ago. I should be celebrating, that my feeling had been right, that God had been faithful, that a "yes" was in fact a "yes." But instead I feel the reality of this choice hit me: fears of being away from family and friends for so long. Fears of what I will miss while I'm gone, of how different everyone and everything will be when I return to the States. Fears even of how different New Zealand itself will be this time compared to last. This faith thing is really hard to master.
Which is why I am so glad that my Master is so, so faithful. I see His faithfulness now in the vibrant community I have at Adventure Camp; I felt it in my family and friends in New York that are praying and excited for me, and from my friends and mentors in the Gordon College community. Because His "Yes" is the only yes I need.


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